Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
You Might Also Like
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.