My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
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As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?