THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
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An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.