I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese馃槼 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
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Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He鈥檚 a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that鈥檚 a walrus
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I鈥檓 going in myself.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn鈥檛 notice.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I don鈥檛 know how to act 40, so I鈥檓 just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!