I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
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Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Fight
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.