A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
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that de-escalated quickly
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.