the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
The booster protects against what, now?
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.