just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
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if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Canada has crack?
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.