She was rare, like a goth jogging
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Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about