*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
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That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi