Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
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I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.