Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
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Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I missed you with all my darts
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.