Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
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It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Who called it baking and not making love
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document