[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
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Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
bury ourselves
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
White Castle for the Win
Nothing to do, you say?
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.