[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
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Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.