I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
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At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.