I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
The Compass
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”