Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
You Might Also Like
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.