Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
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Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
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