FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
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I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Feels like there should be a middle ground
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Good news
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.