I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
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[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works