ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
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I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now