[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
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Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Hot hot hot 🥵
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant