Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
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My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Called it
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.