Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
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I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
You better watch out
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
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wash our hands
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