Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
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kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
wishing you and yours all the best
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.