A family that plays together cheats.
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her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.