Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
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Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.