My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
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*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
never ask a starfish for directions
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )