My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
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[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Selfie
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.