Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
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70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?