I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
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interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Me, flirting😏
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and