Thank Satan it’s Monday.
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My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
my dad has had enough
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.