my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
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So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.