HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
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dogs can find happiness so easily
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet