WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
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PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH