I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
You Might Also Like
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Care for your back
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.