At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
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When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
*cough*
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness