Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
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The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
good work, detective
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”