16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
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Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s