I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
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[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
How does one answer this?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will