Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
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WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds