Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
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What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
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Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”