I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
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I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Ooops wrong house😂😜
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then