Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
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Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Body by sandwich.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.