I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
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I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room