Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
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jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling