*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
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Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?