*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
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Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
This is my favorite one of these!
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
dude it’s called proctologist
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.