I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
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Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?